Missing Pieces
by M.Kena
Summary: Life is a puzzle. Sometimes pieces get lost. A collection of short missing scenesthoughtsendings.
1. John

Okay, so... this is going to basically be a series of one-shots. It's pretty much me fillingin holes I saw in the episodes. Obviously this one is Pre-Pilot from John's POV. Hope you enjoy and drop me a line :)

DISCLAIMER: Not my characters, I'm just borrowing. :)

* * *

I've done some things I'm not exactly proud of. I've sunk to levels even the lowest criminals on earth would shake their heads at. But it was necessary. Knowing that is what keeps me warm at night. Knowing that keeps me from taking those tools of death to my own head and blowing my own brains out and ending it all.

Ending the pain.

Not just my pain. My sons' pain. I know it hurts them. What we do. Every time I miss a call I know their chests are constricted with panic. Every time we get separated the minutes slither by with agonizing slowness.

I know because I feel it too.

I'm not what you would call a great father. I try my damn hardest, but sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes you can try and try and try, but things just go wrong. That's what happened. I tried and I tried to protect my boys.

Too bad I didn't see it until it was too late.

I was the one hurting them.

Me.

Their own father.

I was the source of their pain.

Of their anxiety.

Of their hatred.

I was the reason they weren't happy anymore… although I don't remember a time when any of us were happy. I haven't been really, truly happy since my wife died.

Died isn't correct.

Murder is more like it.

Ever since that sick son of a bitch killed my wife my days have been gray and cloudy. The light is gone from my soul and although I tried to keep Sam and Dean's bright and warm…

I shadow it.

How could dark protect the light?

By disappearing.

So that's what I did.

I know they won't understand… and I know they will hate me for it. Especially Dean. He's always been the good one. He's the one who listens and follows me even when I don't ask. He's everything a father could ask for and more.

But Sammy… my little Sammy. He's what held me together. When he left… That's when my light went out.

I haven't found the light switch yet.

I just hope someday they'll understand. They'll understand why I did this. I did it for them. I just hope they know that.

Dean, take care of your brother. You're his guide, always have been and you always will be. Know that I love you and I'm not abandoning you, Dean. Don't fear being alone, son. You're only alone if you think that way. Be strong, but not too strong. It's okay to be vulnerable… I know I've always said differently… but guess what, kid? Even I make mistakes… hell I've made a lot of them. But this isn't one of them. I know it doesn't make sense, but this is right. Have faith in me, kiddo. God knows I've always had a lot in you. I know you won't let me down.

And Samuel. I… I'm proud of you. Oh so proud of you. I know I didn't tell you, and I should have, but I'm telling you now. You didn't deserve this life, neither of you did. You deserved everything you wanted growing up and if I had the power to give it to you, I would have. I would have worked my fingers to the bone climbing to give you the stars. Damn it kid, I'm your father and I love you. I didn't tell you enough and I lost you for it. I know this doesn't make up for it and I don't know what ever will… but I regret not telling you I love and you amaze me with every breath you take.

Sammy, watch out for Dean. I know he's your big brother and all… but watch him. You know him as well as I do and he tends to be a little… well… gung-ho. You remember that one time in Georgia? You protected him then and I want you to do it now. Don't lose each other, you're stronger together. You're happier together… whole together. You keep him sane Sammy. Sometimes I worry that I've driven all the humanity from him… but every time I see you with him I see the old Dean come back. You save him, Sammy.

My boys, don't quit living. Don't shield your hearts from love or from pain. You have to feel it all to live. It was selfish of me to drag you into this life without giving you a good one first. You grew up too fast and I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Your mother loves you.

Goodbye.

John.


	2. Pilot

Okay, so this is during the Pilot.

* * *

Dean stopped the car and stared at the small door, the light bulb flickering next to it. _Relax_. He told himself. _This is a college dorm. The lights are old, not possessed_.

Sam was behind that door. That's all there was separating him from his little brother. A simple slab of wood. Dean kicked down many doors in his lifetime, but this was the most threatening one of all.

It didn't just keep him out of Sam's room… it kept him out of Sam's life. And Sam had been the one to close and lock it.

It wasn't that he thought Sam wouldn't let him in… it was that Sam wouldn't let him in. That's what worried him the most. He was scared to see the look on Sam's face when he saw his brother. Would it be, "Oh my gosh! Dean, how are you? Come in, sit, tell me how you've been." Or would it be, "what do you want? You want to drag me into hunting again and ruin what little of a future I have left. Thanks, but no thanks, jerk." He figured it would probably be the second one.

Dean knew that's what he would say to himself if he were Sam.

Dean always knew Sam was destined for greater things. All Dean had to look forward to was an incredibly spectacular death at the hands of something… or maybe the spectral tentacles, of something most people didn't even know existed. He wondered if Sam would go to his funeral.

He doubted Sam would even know. He'd probably grow up and on his son's eighteenth birthday when he got curious and decided to find his long lost uncle he'd discover he'd been dead going on twenty years. And Sam would shrug and say, "That's a shame. Dean was a pretty nice brother."

Dean had worked himself into a shallow insanity pit with thoughts like these. Though deep in his heart he knew Sam loved him, it almost hurt him less to make up these stories.

If Sam hated him he knew he wasn't as worried. He didn't sit up at night worrying about Dean the way Dean did for him. He didn't have that constant lurch in his stomach every the phone rang or he turned on the news thinking just maybe he'd lost his brother and his best friend. Well… physically lost them. They'd all ready lost each other in more ways than one, but losing Sammy physically… well… Dean would lose himself.

If only Sam knew. If only he knew how much Dean missed him. He missed those sharp comments that normally flew directly over his head. He missed Sam pacing around the house, picking up last night's dinner dishes huffing about them being disgusting slobs under his breath. He missed Sammy's concerned face when he got hurt. He missed Sammy's warm hand always wrapping around his when those monsters got particularly feisty and Dean ended up down for the count. He missed yanking his hand away and calling Sam a bitch. Hell, he even missed Sam and his father fighting like an old married couple about every little thing. Nit picking and nit picking until the slight marks of a disagreement had festered into open, gaping wounds.

Damn it, he just missed his little brother. Words couldn't describe it. Sam was his missing piece… well one of them.

As Dean opened the door he told himself that this was the first step to completing the puzzle.

* * *

Can I assume you know when that takes place? Before Dean "breaks" in to Sam's apartment. :) Thanks for reading. Now, press that blue-purple button and review for me puh-lease. REVIEWERS: THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS. non-reviewers; thanks 


	3. Wendigo

A/N: Just borrowing the characters. Please Read and Review, but most of all enjoy!

WENDIGO:

He would not let some monster keep his brother. No way in hell. He was going to drag this good for nothing teenager who was seemingly attached to his heels around the forest all freaking night if that's what it took.

He was going to save Dean. There was simply no other option.

Sam was worried. Scared out of his God Forsaken mind. He hadn't been this worried in about seven years. Not since the last time Dean got hurt.

They'd been up in the Rocky Mountains, where exactly Sam couldn't remember. He'd been going through his "I'm too cool for this family" phase so he hadn't really listened to all of John's rants. Though he remembered the look on Dean's face as he clung to his father's every word. Complete and utter adoration. Dean had always looked at his father that way. In Dean's eyes the man could no wrong.

In Sam's he could do no right.

They had been hunting a man who they believed was possessed by a demon. He was roaming the mountains capturing hikers and sacrificing them in not too pleasant fashions. All they had to do was destroy the sacred Aztec sacrificial rock and then the curse and the demon would be damned back to hell forever. John said it would be easy… of course nothing ever is for the Winchesters.

John had gone off to find the demon and left his sons to the simple task of somehow destroying the stone. Sam had covered it in salt and Dean had drenched it in holy water. Of course you couldn't burn a rock… well you could try but it wouldn't do anything to it.

They'd been this close to throwing their hands up in defeat and calling for Dad when something had grabbed Sam and slammed him forward against the rock. Dean, being the big brother he is, jumped into bodyguard mode.

Dean knelt down and helped his little brother to his feet, checking the gash on his forehead and stepping in front of him to protect him from their invisible attacker.

_"Stay behind me, Sammy."_ Dean hissed and readied his gun. Of course the fifteen year old didn't want to argue with his nineteen year old brother, knowing full well who could kick whose ass.

_"Where is it?"_ Sam had whispered back, staying close to his brother. That's when he felt the invisible hands again_. "Dean!"_ He yelped as he got pulled back and held by invisible ropes against a tree. He saw Dean also struggling against the invisible force.

_"Sam!"_ Dean yelled, trying to break free to help his little brother. The hands forced him down onto the sacrificial rock. He, smartly, directed his attention away from Sam for a moment and focused on his own hide which was about to get ripped to pieces by an ancient Aztec artifact. It resembled an arrowhead… only much sharper and rough. _"Son of a…"_ Dean grumbled and fought wildly.

_"No! Dean!"_ Sam yelled. _"Dad! Dad, help!" _Sam yelled at the top of his asthmatic lungs. Something clamped over his mouth and he could no longer yell, or breathe well for that matter. As the arrowhead drew closer to his brother all Sam could do was watch.

By some incredible bout of strength Dean was able to reach the gun with rock salt bullets and shoot in the direction of the arrowhead. A dark figure blurred into view and Dean smiled triumphantly_. "Gotcha, you bastard."_ Dean said with his trademark wise-ass smirk. The hands fell away from Sam and he dropped to his knees on the ground. But Dean was still on the rock, and the figure was still holding the arrowhead.

With a war cry the figure brought down the arrowhead, straight into Dean's abdomen. Dean cried out and Sam scrambled to his feet, grabbed the shotgun and shot at the figure until it fled. Tears streaming down his face he ran to the rock and climbed next to his brother.

_"Dean… Dean… you're going to be fine."_ Sam assured him. Dean had his eyes closed, his hands pressed strongly over the wound, but he nodded. Pushing aside all the pain he smiled at his brother and Sam was reassured.

_"G…go fi… find Da… Dad."_ He was taking short gasps in between each word because it hurt to breathe. Sam shook his head. _"Sam, I'm going… going to ble… bleed out if you d… don't find Dad."_ Dean explained. Sam had taken off before Dean had even finished the sentence.

Sam had found him pretty easily. He heard someone yelling in Latin and unworldly screams and it was a safe bet John Winchester was close to the ruckus. He'd grabbed his father's hand, not stopping to explain the blood all over him and dragged him to where Dean was attempting to stand.

He had stood there, watching his brother bleed to death slowly and his father trying to staunch the blood flow and carry him to the car at the same time, and felt completely and utterly helpless.

Kind of like he did now.

But he sure as hell wasn't just going to stand around this time.

He needed Dean right now. More than he'd ever needed anyone before. Really, Dean was all that was keeping him from blowing his head off with the .45 his Dad had given him to protect him from the monsters in the dark.

Same thing as the monsters in his head, right?

Dean had protected him from those monsters in the dark then and he was protecting Sam from his inner monsters now. He wasn't ready to face them alone. He wasn't sure if he ever would be.

But he definitely wasn't now.

He was not going to let some monster have his brother.

No way in hell.


	4. Dead in the Water

I am so sorry that I basically deserted this. I hope you can forgive me.

**DEAD IN THE WATER:**

_He never knew that about Dean. _

_In Sam's eyes Dean was blissfully devoid of emotions. At least the emotions that made your heart hurt constantly. He was Dean; the womanizer, the asshole. He was not Dean the boy who missed his mother and was scared on a daily basis. _

He's opening up to this little boy more than he ever has to me. Yeah, I'm keeping secrets, but I didn't know Dean had secrets to keep.

Do I really even know Dean anymore?

What did he do for four years? Was he always hunting? God… how many scars did he earn in those four years… how many could he have avoided if I were there?

What was he doing while I was hanging with Jessica? What was he doing while I was just relaxing, forgetting about this life I hated so much. While I forgot about Dean.

I forgot about my brother.

Maybe forgot isn't the right term. But I sure as hell didn't think about him like I should have. During the day, my mind didn't go there. I wouldn't let it. But at night? Night was a different story.

At night, when my defenses were down, I'd dream. I'd dream about past hunts. Especially that one. I will never forget that hunt. It was the first time I'd ever seen Dean so scared.

We were fighting some ghost. I don't know. I was thirteen, I wasn't paying attention. I just knew it was my job to hold the gun and fire at anything that moved and wasn't Dad or Dean. Of course, when something did show up, I was trying to find a good song on my new CD… it was actually Dean's new CD, but it was his own fault, making me hold his shit like that.

Anyway, I was searching through the CD when the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention. I knew I was screwed. And when I looked up and all I saw was a flash of white. I knew it was going to hurt.

And it did. Only for a second. The pain came and went like a flash as I was thrown backwards against a tree, cracking my head open in a reverberating crack that seemed to echo through out the entire woods.

I slumped to the ground and waited for Dean. He was always there when I was hurt, I knew he'd be there. But the darkness beat him.

When I opened my eyes again Dean was carrying me. He was panting as he ran through the woods. I knew he had to be tired, especially since I could see he was bleeding too. I must have been pretty hurt.

"Dean?" I whispered. He looked down at me, and suddenly stopped running. I thought I was going to fall from the sudden stop, but Dean was able to overpower my velocity.

"Sammy?" His voice wavered. It was shaky… Dean was scared. Or had been scared. Now he just looked pissed. But I had seen something in his eyes I knew I never wanted to see again. Dean wasn't supposed to get scared. He was Dean. The wall. The invincible. He had nothing to be afraid of.

Except Sam knew that was a lie. There was something he had always known Dean feared.

Loneliness.

He never knew Dean to just walk away. He'd come back instantly, pretending that he was worried or had something important to share, but Sam knew the truth.

Dean was scared of being alone. Scared to death of it.

Ever since their mother died… he just waited for everyone else to leave him too. It ate away at him. The waiting.

And Sam knew he'd do everything in his power to make sure the wait never ended. Dean wouldn't be alone. No. Sam would always be there.

_**"Don't be scared Dean."** Five year old Sam had whispered as they cowered in Sammy's room. The monster outside was throwing things, screaming. Dean looked at his little brother, removing his hands from his ears and frowned. _

_**"I'm not scared, Sammy."** Dean corrected. _

_**"Then why are you hiding?"** Sam asked. **"I only hide when I'm scared."** _

_**"I'm not scared, Sammy. I'm here for you."** Dean whispered. Sam snuggled closer to his brother as they huddled on the floor, up against Sam's bed. **"It will be okay. Dad is just angry. Not at us." **_

_**"At what?" **_

_**"The thing that took Mom away." **_

_**"I wish it would have taken me away too, so I could be with Mom." **Sam whispered. Dean grabbed Sam's face and made his little brother look at him. _

_**"Don't ever wish that, Sam."** He insisted. **"I won't let anything ever take you away." **He promised. **"And then someday, we'll go see her together." **_

Sam smiled softly.

He'd hold Dean to that.

* * *

REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY 


	5. Phantom Traveler

A/N: This is absolute trash. Sorry, but I miss the show so much, I just had to write. : ) Reviews are nice.

**PHANTOM TRAVELER:**

"I could do this one alone…"

You've got to be freaking kidding me Sam. If there is one thing I fear more than airplanes, it's losing you.

_Bite the bullet, Deanio because little Sammy ain't backin' down from this one. _

So instead of pitching a fit and dragging you back to the Impala I got on that plane. Not for those passengers. But for you, Sam.

I faced my fear for you, because you needed me. And when the day comes that you don't need me anymore, will I still face them?

I hope I never have to know the answer to that question.

I hope the day that you don't need me anymore never comes. Because that's all I know, Sammy. All I know is taking care of you, that's what I've always done best.

When you left, I didn't know how to handle it for a long time. I lost focus on hunts because I didn't have my worry for you keeping me sharp and on my toes.

I didn't have you breathing on my neck, warning me when one pair of eyes just wasn't good enough.

And when the time came that even my and Dad's eyes weren't good enough, and I fell… my last conscious thought was of you. I was glad you weren't there to see me. Even when I'm dying Sammy I worry about you.

So how could you even think that I'd let you go alone? How could even suggest it? I just got you back Sam, I'm not going to risk losing you again.

I know I annoy you, Sammy. But if the roles were reversed and Dad had given me to you that night, what would you do? It's pointless to ask, you can't know unless you've lived it for twenty two years.

For twenty two years you were mine to take care of.

And this isn't me not having faith in you, I know you could do this one without me. I know you could.

This is me being your big brother.

And get used to it, kiddo.

Because I'm not ever gunna stop.

"I'll take the window seat, so you don't have to be too scared." Sam said with a smile. I groaned. He was never going to let me live this one down.

"How about you shut your mouth before I make you."

"Relax Dean." He laughed.

I'll relax the day I know you're safe.


	6. Bloody Mary

**A/N:** Please don't flame. : ) I have no excuse for this drabble other than I want to get this story completely finished and updated for season one. Because I have control issues like that and it will haunt me if I don't.

So, moral of the story? Leave me a nice message if you liked. Or even if you didn't like it. Tell me you read it. Thanks!

**BLOODY MARY**

"Hey, Dean?" Sam whispered. Dean didn't look away from the road, but Sam took that little grunt as a "what?" "Why did your eyes bleed?" Sam asked. He saw a nerve in Dean's jaw jump. Sam looked at his older brother. "And don't say she's just more powerful out of the mirror, because that's a cop out and you know it." Sam said quickly. "What happened, Dean?" Dean sighed heavily and took a while to answer, but Sam was patient with him.

"Look Sam, I've been hunting a long time. Sometimes you can't save everyone." Dean whispered. "But I feel responsible for everyone."

"Dean…" Sam started. Dean shook his head angrily.

"No, Sam, this is just the way I feel okay? I know I shouldn't and I know I did all I could, but it's just the way it is." He looked at his brother. "No matter what you say, it can't change the way I feel."

"Do you listen to yourself?" Sam asked him curiously. Dean glared at him.

"Hey, I'm not the one killing myself with guilt, Sammy-boy." Dean snapped. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Oh, so that blood on your face isn't any indication?" Sam asked. Dean didn't answer. "I can't believe you sometimes, Dean. You went on this huge rant about how I shouldn't feel responsible for Jess's death… and yet you sit here blaming yourself for not being able to save every poor soul you stop to help!"

"You're right Sam. You should feel responsible for Jessica's death." Dean snapped. Sam pulled back and sat against the door. "Is that what you want to hear? That you murdered the first girl you fell in love with? Somehow, in some twisted way you put her up on that ceiling and lit her on fire." Dean shook his head. "Last time I checked, it took more than the two minutes you were home before I came rushing in to do something like that!" Sam sighed angrily and sunk back down into the bucket seat. "Oh, that's right." Dean said with fake happiness. "I don't know the whole story." He hit his head. "Whatever else there is, Sam, there is no way that you are even remotely responsible. I don't care what it is, you are not a killer, Sam. And I know if you could have done something to stop it from happening, you would have."

"Same to you."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Sam. I've made some stupid mistakes that got innocent people killed." He shrugged. "Spirits don't see gray, that's the only reason she came after you, okay? You got that? In anyone else's eyes, you're innocent. You didn't do anything wrong."

"You don't even know…"

"And neither do you."

The silence was thick, suffocating.

Sam rolled down the window to get some air.

"Roll it back up, I'm cold."

"You've got a jacket on, and it's stuffy in here."

"Cry me a god damn river. Roll the window back up!" Dean yelled. Sam grudgingly did so, worried about what would happen if Dean got any madder.

"Look, Dean… I'm…"  
"Don't say you're sorry." Dean hissed. "Because I know as well as you do that you're not. Don't do it if you don't mean it."

"Fine." Sam muttered and sunk down in his seat.

Dean sighed and looked over at his brother. "Look, I didn't mean to get angry… I just… I hate that you're not telling me everything."

"Dean, I told you…"

"I know, I know. Some things you just have to keep to yourself. It still pisses me off." Dean admitted.

Sam laughed and looked out the window.

"Just promise me, if its bad… you'll tell me before it gets you hurt… or if something like this ever happens again."

"If it will protect you, I'll tell you."

It wasn't the answer Dean wanted, but he'd settle for it.

Besides, he'd settled for less all his life.

What's once more?


End file.
